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Old 08-21-2010, 01:07 AM   #31
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Page 2 bitches
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:09 AM   #32
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Hate time to say goodbye.. hate time.
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:19 AM   #33
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:37 AM   #34
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you best have your groove shoes on...
cus you're about to be one groovin ass mother fucker
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first of all, shane is full of shit. i'm always right. always. never been wrong.
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:42 AM   #35
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Almost there guys, only 266 posts to go.
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:43 AM   #36
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This forum requires that you wait 60 seconds between posts.
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:43 AM   #37
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hey guys
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:45 AM   #38
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.stsop neewteb sdnoces 06 tiaw uoy taht seriuqer murof sihT
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:45 AM   #39
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omg this is hilarious!!!!!

so does no one want to hang out with me saturday :(
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:47 AM   #40
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You guys need to start helping out here, LET'S GO!
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:48 AM   #41
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It was 8am on a Monday when I boarded the elevator. Nothing unusual about this day, it was proceeding as Mondays often do: Boring and slow. There was a man in the elevator going to the 20th floor, same as me. The ride went slowly as we shared an awkward silence. We had assumed the traditional elevator stance. With neither one of us caring to start a conversation, our hands were at our side, staring rigidly ahead trying almost desperately not to make eye contact.


Out of emergency, or to simply break up the monotony, he let out a small fart. He looked at me and grinned, not out of cruelty, but as an act of challenge. As luck would have it, my slowly digesting Eggs Benedict and coffee were starting to kick in. I answered back with a blast that was twice as long and twice as loud. His reply was the same. This continued floor after floor, going back and forth, topping each other just a little bit more; The sheer amount of air were passing was bordering on physically impossible.


When we passed the 18th floor, he began his final attack. Under visible strain, with beads of sweat rolling down his face and saturating his shirt, he clenched and released a massive expulsion on an almost atomic level. It reverberated through the elevator, leaving a ringing in my ears. It was truly breathtaking, literally and physically. Again, he grinned at me out of challenge.


But I wasn’t done yet. Ignoring the awful scent we had filled the elevator with, I entered a state of trance through meditation. Relying on my digestive tract was far too easy. I knew that the power to win resided deep inside me. In my trance, I heard no sounds, I had no sight, no sense of smell. In what was an eternity for me but an instant for him, I mentally prepared my body for the task to come.


When I opened my eyes, I knew I had unlocked long dormant capabilities; The rumble I felt in my intestine was unlike any I had ever felt before. The elevator chimed a soft tone as we passed the 19th floor. One floor to go. As the stars aligned in perfect symmetry in our galaxy and its surrounding counterparts, I began my final attack.


The initial burst alone dwarfed his attempt in one fell swoop. Immediately, he seemed to sense danger, his eyes darting around for a possible means of escape. There was none for him. Or me. My rectal expulsion continued at the same volume, but it was only the beginning. As I glared at him through bloodshot eyes, I uttered a battle cry as a herald of the onslaught to come: With a voice that seemed foreign and alien to me, possibly demonically influenced, I roared “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!” as my flatulence reached its pinnacle blast.


I had ascended to a level previously unknown, or long forgotten, to mankind. It was loud and powerful enough to disrupt electrical current; the lights and even the gears of the elevator itself seemed to dim and stall as the look on my opponent’s face grew more and more terrified. And still I continued as the very fabric of space and time seemed to bend and fold. Shamans from long dead civilizations dropped dead from their clairvoyant vision of horror from the future. Utopian societies looking back through sophisticated instruments collapsed in on themselves overnight in the wake of the ripple through time I had created.


Still I continued. Up became down, black became white, and briefly, the whole of existence seemed to cancel out entirely. Outside of all of this, the elevator reached the 20th floor, its doors opening to reveal a crowd of people waiting to go down. The ones that weren’t overcome immediately had their intelligence completely obliterated. They reverted to a primal state; teeth gnashing in hunger and clenched hands lusting for claws long forgotten by evolution, then scampering off to parts unknown.


I was finally reaching the end. Unfortunately, my biblical butt blast had assumed a life of its own. Currents began to form; gravity itself was negated as I became a living black hole. The innocent folk that were initially overcome began to awaken, and immediately wished they hadn’t. As they looked inside the elevator, they saw not a man, but the face of Death himself. Man, woman, and child alike wept openly at the scourge and pestilence that was birthed onto this Earth from my anus.


Then it was done. For the sake of mankind, willed the final blast towards the black hole I created and canceled it out entirely. Overcome with fatigue, I observed the destruction I had wrought. The innocent bystanders at the elevators threshold were alive at least, but their minds would forever be scarred. My initial opponent was not so long, as his proximity to me had caused his very molecular structure to integrate into the wall behind him, leaving only a face with pure terror permanently frozen in time.


I have never attempted a fart of such magnitude since, but perhaps one day a threat to mankind will emerge that only I may prevent, and give me the vindication that I will likely be seeking until the end of time. I suppose the moral of this story, if there is one, is that one should never mess with forces unknown to them, and should never, EVER go against the nature of life itself.
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:53 AM   #42
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I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:54 AM   #43
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Hate time to say goodbye.. hate time.
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:56 AM   #44
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seriously though, aids
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Hate time to say goodbye.. hate time.
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:59 AM   #45
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Hate time to say goodbye.. hate time.
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:00 AM   #46
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yo i feel that
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:01 AM   #47
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Won't happen.
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:02 AM   #48
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Hate time to say goodbye.. hate time.
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:03 AM   #49
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I don't see this happening anytime soon.
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:04 AM   #50
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Won't happen.
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:05 AM   #51
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I don't see this happening anytime soon.
We'll see about that
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:06 AM   #52
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bump
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:07 AM   #53
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sooooooo bored at work right now, we can do this guys
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:08 AM   #54
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2:08 AM
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:09 AM   #55
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Oh shit, 2:09 now
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:10 AM   #56
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:10 AM   #57
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Flooding it shouldn't count.
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:11 AM   #58
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Fuck this 60 seconds between posts rule
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:12 AM   #59
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Flooding it shouldn't count.
you shouldnt count
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Hate time to say goodbye.. hate time.
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Old 08-21-2010, 02:12 AM   #60
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fatherly bump
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