Abhorrent Advice vol. 2

“this chick ive been messing around with for a few months still seems really uptight for some reason. like she has no problem blowing me, but wont let me nut on her face or even in her mouth. i’m getting sick of having to pull out and shoot it on her chest. it was hot at first, but gets boring really quick. any suggestions?“

Ross Sewage: “She probably doesn’t swallow either. Geneticists now believe that the spit / swallow trait is hereditary. You should ask her father if sometimes he feels like a nut and sometimes he doesn’t. If he says “Why, yes, sometimes I do enjoy ejaculate shot into my gaping maw” then you can be sure his daughter is good to go. You, however, are fucked. Until scientists perfect stem cell research or whatever new way they find to ghoulishly harvest dead babies, women who rock in bed will continue to rock, and the others… well, they’ll date you. Since you’re bored, I’d suggest turning her over and cumming on her back.”

Granny Monster: “Simple. When she’s sucking you off and you’re just about there, you should tell her you want to take the relationship to another level. Then either shoot your load in her mouth or, if she stops to question your decision, shoot it on her face. This way, she can’t get mad at you for not telling her because technically you did. Problem solved!”

Ross Sewage: “Sam… you may like to think that cooking is woman’s work. I assume your mother ran out on you at an early age after seeing her child afflicted with macro-cephaly, elongated upper extremities, and covered head to toe in fur; you must have gotten your notion that women can cook from episodes of Growing Pains. Actually, Joanna Kerns never cooked, but she sure did smoke in the movie Ape! In fact, I can prove Maggie Seaver never cooked, otherwise, how could Tracey Gold have gotten so skinny? My point is, the world’s best chefs are almost all male. Wolfgang Puck, that dick on Hell’s Kitchen, and, uh… Spago? Ronald McDonald! He’s a guy as much as Michael Jackson is. The Burger King! C’mon, that’s a man’s man. These male chefs all realized something a long time ago that you haven’t… the joy of cooking? No. Women can’t cook. My mother’s spice rack consisted of salt and pepper. I learned to cook early on, and since then, I don’t LET my girlfriends cook. I might, MIGHT, let them grind the beans for coffee in the morning, but even then they usually screw it up. Man up, use some testicle power to make a great meal for your culinary-challenged girlfriend and get laid. Start simple with a pasta dish, but can the usual red sauce and make an alfredo sauce from scratch with real cream. It will impress her, carb her up for sex, and then land in her stomach like a ton of bricks so she’ll go to sleep when you’re done.”

Ross Sewage: “What you should be asking yourself is why you’re so pathetic and John is so cool. Is it John’s habit of wearing pink polo shirts? Is it the keen way he wears sunglasses backwards on his head? Maybe it’s his roguish way of putting on his sunvisor upside down like it’s going to catch rain water. I think it’s probably how he ties a sweater around his neck as if he didn’t understand how to put it on over his head. Despite what the Breakfast Club would have you believe, the very next week those students just walked on by and forgot about each other. Well, with the exception of Emilio Estevez who gang raped Anthony Michael Hall with a broom stick after being peer pressured by his wrestling team. It’s all on the special edition DVD I got that I made up in my head. You cannot date a preppy chick if, as I assume since you’re writing to me instead of Dan Savage, that you are a metal head. You need a girl with some crappy tattoos, a drinking problem, and a wayward father. Dump the chick… and beat up the guy. I wouldn’t do that myself, I just want to see if I can herd you like a sheep.”

Love,
Coma“

Granny Monster: “First of all, the phrase “every time I attend a Ghoul show” seems so off. Ghoul shows don’t grow on trees, you know. It’s not a super common occurrence. I’m going to take a stab and say you’ve only been to one Ghoul show, which means this girl only hit you once, which means you’re a whiney little bitch. I’m going to go out on another limb here, and guess that this chick was drunk. Really, retardedly drunk. I bet Ghoul is one of her favorite bands, too. She was going crazy when they went on, wasn’t she? Making a complete ass out of herself falling down all over the place, right? You know she didn’t mean to hit you, dude. She was just having a good time and probably didn’t even realize it. Keep in mind, also, that she was more than likely viciously hung over the next day… possibly two. 

This chick actually sounds wicked cool. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll shower her with gifts the next time you run into her. Maybe even let her punch you in the face. You know, for old time sake.”

“So my best friend’s gf (now ex) started spreading rumors that I was gay or bi or whatever, so he broke up with her because it wasn’t the first time she had made untrue claims about me, seemingly in an attempt to end our friendship. After he broke up with her, she desperately wanted to get back with him, so I tried to help. In the process, her and I ended up hooking up… about 10 times in one night… and then a few more a couple nights later. What do I do?“

Ross Sewage: “Slap yourself upside the head. You’re a total cock. You’re a horrible friend. Ever heard the phrase “Bros before hos?” And this isn’t just any ho, this is a ho who said you are gay. You probably are gay, and fucking your best friend’s ex chick made you feel like you were having sex with him. So great, not only are you a shitty friend, but now you’re also Doogie Howser to your friend’s Vinnie. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I always suspected Doogie was gay since Starship Troopers, where he was supposedly psychic and didn’t take the time to read Denise Richards’ mind. Then again, maybe he did, and found there was nothing there, except a wanton need to hurl laptop computers at old people. My suggestion? Keep banging the broad. Your friend will find out, the chick will freak out, and you’ll lose both, but at least you’ll have some great memories of mind-blowing, “I’ll prove I’m not gay!” sex.”

Granny Monster: “She’s clearly out of her mind. You don’t need to say anything else, it’s blatantly obvious and I know you know it. She’s insecure and selfish and the fact that she hooked up with you, and continued to do so, only confirms this. Second… you tried to help her get back with your friend? Either you’re lying to cover up the fact that you desperately wanted Psycho Bitch or you’re an idiot. Actually, either way you look at this, you’re an idiot. Did you forget about the shit she pulled to embarrass you? That it wasn’t the first time she tried to come between you and your “best friend”? Your friend had the right idea, good for him. Given the situation, he’ll probably be even more pissed off because he dropped her, from what you say, because he knows how fucked up it is to let a girl (actively, intentionally) ruin a friendship. Maybe he won’t give a shit, but from what you’re saying, it sounds like he’s the type of guy that will.

This is an extra shitty situation and there’s really no easy way out of it. You’ve probably ruined what sounds like a really good friendship because you couldn’t keep it in your pants. Way to go. My only advice is to maybe not be such a fucktard in the future.”

“Hey dudes. I need some help with omelettes. I have recently been trying to experiment with my omelettes by adding various herbs and what not in with the eggs, yet whenever I do that it fucks up slightly and does not turn out the way I want, yet when I make plain omelettes they turn out fine. Do you know what it might be? Seriously, it is pissing me off.“

Ross Sewage: “You’re fucking with the bond of the egg, also known as the “chick” factor. See it’s like this; you’ve got a chick and she sticks with you great. But then you suggest spicing things up by bringing in another girl. She’s going to split on you. It’s just like that chick you’re about to pop out of an egg and fry in a pan. By trying to add all those spices into the omelette batter, you’re screwing up the cohesion of the egg molecules, referred to by scientists “eclucktrons.” What you need to do is cook the omelette as normal, then spice the fucker right before folding it. It goes right back to the “chick” factor; you go to the bathroom to wank a bit to a spicy chick like Tera Patrick so you can get it up right before you attempt to fold your own three-hundred pound heffer of a girl.”

“I saw Job For A Cowboy a few months ago opening for Cattle Decap…and…uhh…I just have to ask, what the fuck?? what do people see in this shit?“

Ross Sewage: “Dollar signs. Something they sadly do not see when looking at Impaled… nor we, when we look in our bank accounts.”

“Dear Granny,

I am a 16 year old, from Salt Lake City, and I am a guy. I often find myself wishing to dress up in women’s clothing, latex underwear to be exact. I haven’t told anyone of my “situation” and frankly I am afraid of what my friends and family might say. Do you think I should tell them? And since you don’t own a Y chromosome, can you give me advice on the situation? As well as some good designers and stores to check out.

As for good designers and stores? Get in touch when you’re 18, kid.”

“yo, i don’t really want you guy (sorry), but i was curious since you’ve bene involved with that whole Razorback scene, what are your favorite slasher/horror films??“

“Whats the craziest experience/encounter (sexual or whatever) youve had with a fan/groupy?“

Ross Sewage: “I’ve never had a sexual encounter with a fan. Believe it or not, I know… I think I look sexy, dripping with sweat and (mostly) fake blood, growling like the cookie monster after a “workout” session with Barry Bonds. As for a crazy non-sexual encounter… hmm… I think anyone who listens to Impaled is half retarded, so it’s hard to say. The most remarkable encounter was with a young woman who told me Impaled had inspired her to go to medical school and then she gave me the cap from her graduation that had painted on it “IMPALED – Rest in Faeces” that she had actually worn. That was inspiring to know that I’d inspired. I called my parents after that one and said “See? Your loser son did SOMETHING good.”

“the other night my girlfriend told me that my cum tasted funny…now i’m all self concious about it…but i like getting head too much to let her get away with not doing it anymore. what should i do? -biblebasher“

Ross Sewage: “Well, of course your cum tastes funny. If it tasted awesome, we’d call it “candy” and I’d be asking strangers to nut in my mouth. Maybe it’s more like the Stuff… you can never get enough! Anyway, I’ve been told my cum tastes pretty good (by GIRLS, before you go making jokes) and I’m a vegetarian. Of course, I’m a vegetarian who eats like shit, putting away fast food faster than they can fooder it. See, cum taste is apparently related to what you eat. Kind of like your shit consistency. If you eat nuts, you’ll have nuts in your shit and in your baby batter. From what I’ve heard from girls, heavy meat eaters usually have good tasting cum and hippy freaks do not. All the sweetness in that meat translates to savory spooge. If you’re a meat eater, up the amount of pork and fatty products for better tasting cum. Not every day, just a day or two before you think you’re gonna get yourself a swell hum-dinger. If you’re a vegetarian, stock up on some sweets and things like beans, heavy in protein. Failing all this, get Peter North’s supplemental cum tablets and at least you can make up for quality with quantity.”

Granny Monster: “I’ve heard from many a source that vegetarians/vegans tend to taste better, actually sweeter, than those that eat meat. It’s all those natural sugars in fruits and veggies and the lack of dead matter that just sits in your system for ages. I’m not saying you’ve got to cut meat out of your diet, but maybe cut down and definitely start eating more fruits. Pineapple juice is notorious for helping improve the taste of bodily juices (and helping bruises heal faster, actually, but that’s something totally unrelated… hopefully… ?). This also applies to the ladies. Take this advice, and your semen is sure to be
sweeter.

If she’s still bitching, tell her to “suck it up” or something clever like that.”

“dear Mr. Sewage, i’ll be attending your show in Portland with Napalm Death and all those shitty bands, and it made me wonder: what has been the most degrading show you’ve played/band you had to go on before??“

Ross Sewage: “Most of our shows in France were humiliating. People just stood there and stared. “Quel est ce la vie?” or something was muttered. I don’t know, I don’t speak “bummed out.” I think our most wretched show was our first time in Las Vegas, our first show before Century Media reps. Andrew had recently left, so we had to go out as a three-piece. I think we re-started one song about four times before we just gave up on it. Sean yelled at the crowd, “Everyone say, ‘Fuck you, Raul.’” We pretty much stank our way through the rest of the set. The crew was nice enough to try and put up our banner, which they did, but upside down. Then we got to hear a sweet story about how Suffocation, playing two bands after us, had been paid 20 times as much as we had been (literally) and when the promoter gave it to them, they put a full tenth of their extraordinary fee on the blackjack table in front of the poor guy and lost it instantly. We drove home in our rented sedan quite humbly.”

“My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost two years now, and I really love him. I think he loves me too. I’ve been trying to hint to him that I want to talk about marriage…or at least move in to together, something to take this relationship to the next step. He seems oblivious though. Can you help me?“

Ross Sewage: “I imagine your boyfriend probably speaks English. Whatever his native tongue, I suggest you address him in it thusly: “Run away.” That’s what he’s likely to do. If he doesn’t, or he looks confused, broach the subject honestly and forthright. Get these muddling games you girls play out of the way. Think of a boy as a very simplistic computer. You can’t “hint” at a computer that you want a file open. You double-click it and it fucking opens. Girls aren’t like computers, they’re more like jigsaw puzzles with two sides and no pieces fit anyway because each piece is from a different god damn puzzle. Guys are not like this. No more games, just say what you want to say. It either goes over or it doesn’t. If he’s not into it, he’ll let you know and you can go home and slit your wrists. If he is into it, then you can guys can get married and enjoy your eternal love for the two years until your divorce.”

Granny Monster: “Two years isn’t all that long in the scheme of things, but I have known people to get married in a shorter span of time. In those cases, though, both parties were vocal about wanting this, which is something you’re lacking.  So, you “think” he loves you? Forget about getting married, people shouldn’t even move in together based on a hint. The shit you’ll both have to put up with, while it may be cute or not a big deal now, is going to drive you bat-shit insane. There has to be something that makes the two of you stay in that situation and that something isn’t the thought that someone might love you. It’s probably a bad idea to bring it up until you’re sure of his feelings, and of yours.”

“hey, so i’ve been “dating” this girl for a while but she’s so insanely annoying i can barely stand to be around her. i still want to fuck her though. what’s an appropriate amount of time after you fuck a girl for the first time to dump her? i don’t WANT to be a jerk, but she makes me want to stab myself in the face everytime i hear her talk.“