Abhorrent Advice vol. 1
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Abhorrent Advice vol. 1
Featuring the unqualified advice of…
Ross Sewage of Impaled
& Anthony West of XXX Maniak
“let our experts fuck up your life”
Other publications and zines may offer their attempts at an advice column, but let’s face it…they all suck. This is the only one that really maters. Real advice from real people who really shouldn’t be giving advice to anyone. No question is off-limits and no subject is taboo. Our experts are here to fuck up your life. Send your questions to advice@SMNnews.com.
Meet the experts:
Ross Sewage – Whether it’s as a member of Impaled and Ludicra, or as the man behind his hilariously insightful MySpace blog posts, Ross Sewage is an underground legend. Few people in the underground have even half the charisma, wit, and sheer talent as Ross…and even fewer are willing to settle for showcasing these amazing skills by doling out advice to pedants like you. Having toured the world and played in every shit hole club imaginable, Ross is brimming with wisdom and cynical insight you wont find anywhere else. Have no fear, the good doctor is here to help you.
Anthony West - Little is known about Anthony West, the mysterious frontman of one of the most hated and despised goregrind bands around: XXX Maniak. Is he a rapist? Is he a pedophile? Is he a guy with too much free time trying to rip off gullible grindcore fans? Probably a little bit of all of those. One thing that is certain however, is that he is truly a disturbed individual. He tried to fuck my mother while we were setting up the details of this advice column, and he’ll probably fuck your girlfriend in the ass if you send him a question.
And without further ado, let the helping begin…
“why does everyone like trivium? WHY are they touring with Iron Maiden?? this seems so wrong. they REALLY suck.”
Ross Sewage: “In math, there is a factor called the LCD, or lowest common denominator. I don’t really know what that means, but it’s an intelligent sounding way to refer to the pablum that the masses seem so fond of. It’s LCD…aka digestible and marketable garbage that will soon be forgotten. We’ve all been born in an age where creativity saw it’s death…and the death march was to the tune of MC Hammer’s “You Can’t Touch This.” Think about how music died that day. Think about it and weep everyday like I do. That being said, anyone know Trivium’s booking agent? I would totally open for those guys! They’re the awesomest (so long as we get to open for them).
Now, what I’d like to figure out is why people keep buying Iron Maiden tickets. Seriously people, this band peaked years ago. The biggest bands in metal that all of you can get behind are more than thirty years old. Venom’s reformed? So fucking what. Celtic Frost is back? It’s no Morbid Tales, ladies and gents. Maybe this is because there’s so much more detritus out there instead of a small collection of bigger bands being pushed by major labels. Maybe it’s because the fan base has dwindled.
Whatever the cause, I for one am sick of people freaking out to hear songs they’ve been listening to for decades. It’s like someone who has been eating egg salad sandwiches for years just because it’s good enough, so why change? Try some smoked gouda, god dammit!”
Anthony West: “I don’t like this band, but it makes complete sense to me marketing wise. Trivium is just Iron Maiden with some pop punk elements and choir boy singing. Iron Maiden still appeals to 12 year old boys just as much now as when I was a kid. Since Trivium have that whole Iron Maiden vibe going with all the gayness thrown in young kids and chicks dig it. It could be way worse and bands like Blink 182 or something could be touring with them. Iron Maiden needs to tour with DragonForce, King Diamond and Manowar. Now that would be a fucking perfect tour!”
“is it gay to taste your own cum after jerking off?”
Anthony West: “This is a gray area. One of my favorite deviant past times is to cum in a chick’s pussy, slurp out my cum, then spit it on her face. Kinky shit right? Usually the girls love it every time and I don’t think that is really gay. For you though to sit there jerking off by yourself for the sheer fact of just eating your own cum, well yeah that’s total faggotry/MySpace.”
“Dear Anthony, I am a 24 year old aspiring goregrind singer. I currently live at home and rely strictly on my mom to drive me to and from practice, do you have any advice that might make me big in the business?”
Anthony West: “This has to be a total joke, or Rob Fornicator. I wont answer this, and Rob…get over it man!”
“my band and i just finished recording our first demo and we’re getting ready to send it out to labels. which do you suggest? most seem to be signing nothing but garbage lately!”
Ross Sewage: “It’s the year 2006, and no label in their right mind is going to sign a band with mind blowing concepts, balls to the wall riffing, and sickening vocals…unless it’s been done before. People want good music, and more than that, they want something recycled and safe so they can know they’ll like it. You see, you’re wrong…labels aren’t signing garbage, what they’re doing is practicing “cultural environmentalism.” Really, all we musicians owe the labels a debt of gratitude for keeping the reserves of actual creative potential reserves very stifled, so that it can be picked at slowly at their leisure to exploit and drive promptly back into the ground.
My advice to you is to find your niche…the label that will most want to exploit your band because they already have another band doing well that you sound like. In this way, they can recycle their cash-cow’s sound like the shit-filled fertilizer it is.
Really I’m just jaded because my own band perpetually fails. I look forward to opening for your band as you rocket to stardom and I go back to my empty bed crying myself to sleep.”
“Hi I’m Derik, 17 years old, and I was wonderin if you could help me out. Alright so I was changing in my room the other day and my mom walked in on my while I wuz BUTT NAKED. Anyways, as soon as she came in I suddenly got hard, my problem is how can I not get hard like that when my mom sees me naked? It’s kinda embarrasing because it happens like once a week, please help!”
Anthony West: “Sure let me help you. Every young man has this problem with their mom, and it is nothing to be embarrassed about. Anyone who has told you they haven’t got a chubby while fantasizing once about their mom is lying. Embrace your incestuous side, who knows it probably turns her on more than it does you. Just keep it all in the family, and maybe get your sister/father in on the action as well, it will really bring your entire family unit to a whole new level. Have fun and be safe!”
“What do you guys think about all these bands lately like Dissection, Celtic Frost, Venom, Terrorizer, etc. putting out new albums? Seems like a lame cash in to me…”
Ross Sewage: “I think it’s positively anti-cosmic and if I was in one of these bands putting out a shitty album just to make a few bucks off my fans after all my creativity had been sapped dry years earlier, I think I’d just put a gun to my head and blow it the fuck off.”
Anthony West: “Total cash in. Man, I thought XXX Maniak was lazy…but these bands take the cake. The new Venom album is called “Metal Black,” I wonder how long they brainstormed to come up with that title. The new Dissection is ripping off In Flames, who ripped off Dissection years ago. Celtic Frost’s first few albums were good before they became glam metal, but I prefer Hellhammer any day. It is a shame these bands can’t just leave their legacy as it is but they reform for the obvious reasons of $ and make really bad albums. The only good reunion that has happened this year is Brutal Truth, the world always needs Brutal Truth!”
“my name is matt, and i’m 16. ive been on a few dates with this girl i like, and i know for sure that she likes me back. all her friends want me to ask her to be my girlfriend, but i feel that this is stupid and too middle school; what i want to do is just keep going out on dates until its just kind of accepted that we’re together, since we’re not seeing anyone else. what should i do?”
Anthony West: “If you don’t make it official that you are an exclusive item she is just going to start blowing tons of random dudes behind your back. Even if you do make it official, that may not stop a woman’s natural whorish instinct to swallow every throbbing cock she sees. I mean, say you are at the bowling alley just hanging out and I show up all fucked up and start putting her head down to my lap, you know she would go for it! Saying you are an official item makes it less likely for the “creepy old dude getting blowjob by young slut in the bowling alley” scenario to happen. Just be honest with your feelings!”
Ross Sewage: “You should grow a pair. Tag and release, bro…tag and release.”
“it really seems like Maniac Neil (Frightmare) could use a hug. why does he seem so grumpy all the time?? do the metal community a favor and hug him next time you see him. or take frightmare out on tour or soemthing. seriously though, what’s your favorite band on Razorback?? why are they all just so damn sexy?”
Ross Sewage: “My favorite band on Razorback is easily Engorged, and indeed, they’re one of my favorite all time bands. Pray that they put out another album, as it will save metal. As to why the bands are so sexy, I think it’s the collections most people who play in bands on Razorback have like Transformers, GI Joes, Inuhumanoids, Godzilla, Fulci movies, and Terry Planet Comics. Chicks totally dig that shit.
Perhaps Maniac Neil does need a hug. You should go tell him on his message board, get a bunch of messages back berating you and your ilk, and then see how quickly the topic gets deleted.”
“Dr Ross, do you ever fantisize about being a woman? Do you ever get lonely on tour and wonder what it must be like to mave sex with your fellow bandmates?”
Ross Sewage: “I’m a doctor, and I don’t even know what “maving sex” is. In any case, of course I fantasize about being a woman. I too would like to feel once a month my womb fill up with nutrients and be able to carry life. Then, to expel those nutrients in a crimson wave of effervescence retaining my right to be childless. My womb would fill up again, plant another ovary, just waiting for a genetic partner through which to create a being in my likeness that I could carry in my distended and bloated person until such time as my honey pot could dilate to the size of a bochi ball and pass a new born creature through it to the music of my screams. Then, I could also enjoy the beauty of nursing, where my nipples would be sucked red and bloody emptying my now sagging bosom. All that, and a wage that was 70f a male doing the same job as me? Sounds fucking peachy!”
“hello guys, help me out with something. I got a problem, everytime I jerk off…i dont cum fast. Why is that?”
Anthony West: “Easy answer, you are getting desensitized cause you jerk off too much. When I was younger I used to beat that shit like 8 times a day, and it slowly builds your tolerance up. THIS IS NOT A BAD THING. If you plan on doing pornography later in life or you are with a nymphomaniac slut(s) (both apply to me) this is actually a great thing. You can last hours without cumming and it feels just as good when you almost reach your climax. When you finally do blow a load it is massive and totally worth it. Keep it up man!”
“There’s this chick that I like. She is awesome. I’d go for it but one of her closest friends digs me. Today I went out on a date with her close friend; you know, just because I can. She’s cool too but I’d rather go out with the other girl. Turns out that some of her other friends saw me with the close friend. Now I fear my chances with the chick I like are gone. What the hell should I do?”
Ross Sewage: “Wow. This is a really delicate situation you’ve potentially gotten yourself into. It’s going to require a lot of grace, manners, sensitivity, and well-timed elocution to bring a positive conclusion about.
First, you need to ask yourself what you’re really trying to accomplish with these members of the fairer sex. Your motives should at least be pure to thineself. Next, you have to ask what is in the best interest of all parties involved.
Now that you’ve got your inner demons caged up and you’re of sound mind and body, you need to sit down with both of these delicate flowers for a chit chat about what has been ruminating in your head and what has transpired already. Then you need to ask them to have a threesome.”
“hey anthony, i was wondering what your musical influences are. what do you think of bands like anal cunt and vaginal jesus? any advice for an aspiring musician trying to make it?”
Anthony West: “My musical influences are Michael Jackson exclusively since an alien host took over his body in the late 90s. I think Anal Cunt was funny like 15 years ago when it was original but now it’s the same shit over and over. Seth has a new song called “I’m Glad that Faggot from Nasum is Dead,” sounds like he is really grasping at straws there and it is pretty pathetic. I am surprised the Relapse and 3XM cult hasn’t put him back in a wheelchair because of this. I guess karmageddon will be coming to him soon enough! Isn’t Vaginal Jesus another one of Seth Putnam’s outwardly racist projects? Weird he dosen’t list that on www.sethputnam.com, as one of his “bands.” I guess he is scared of getting his ass beat at upcoming shows like in NY where they don’t tolerate that shit.
So yea after this rant my advice anyway is: Don’t start a fucking band, way too many people start bands and the scene is totally oversaturated. STOP!”
“you said you can ask how to get your gf to let you stick it in her ass
i let my bf do it regularly
but how do i get him to let me use a strap on, on him?
he’s bi but anti anythign to do with his ass, but im wondering maybe he’ll like it, i know he wont leave me for a guy but i think it’ll be really hot”
Anthony West: “I absolutely never said that, for the record. The main reason your man isn’t letting you do it in his bi-ass is because that would just turn him into a fully fledged homosexual. He already has the urges to make out with dudes/go down on them, and you fucking his ass with a strap on will be the catalyst to his gay future. I guarantee if you go there you will lose your man forever, once he experiences that prostate prodding with a latex strap-on he is going to want to try real man meat.”
Ross Sewage: “As it turns out, the prostate, that little circular donut around your sphincter, is pleasure gland. It’s what throbs during ejaculation and pumps out the ejaculate. What you need to do with your boyfriend is show him the pleasure of his sphincter, gradually and with love and care. Just grab his ass in the heat of the moment. After a few times, tickle his hole with your finger. Then try inserting just a bit. Chances are with is little head thinking, he’ll just let you do it. Guy’s in the heat of the moment are about as smart as our President after a lobotomy…a second lobotomy, that is.
You can talk to him about these things, too, just do it before sex, while he’s horny. He’ll be into talking about it so long as in the end he gets some poonanny.
That said, once you finally go out and get a strap on and take him like a cheap Thai whore, prepare for him to enter the world of gay porn and leave you behind forever. Hey…bi now? Gay later.”
(+15 rating, 3 votes)
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